Patent Medicine

Apparently IBM has patented a method of paying programmers to work on open source software.  This is a fantastic development for those of us under doctor’s orders to get more irony in our diet.  The new patent is U.S. No. 6,658,642.  Actually, I’m willing to give IBM the benefit of the doubt on this one.  The idea itself seems reasonably novel.  Maybe they intend to offer free licenses to this patent to all open source software workers as a way of protecting the community.  That would be swell.

Now, I’m the last person on the planet who should be complaining about U.S. patent law, but sometimes an application gets through that seems - bear with me while I search for the right word… ah, here we go – unsound.  As a service to my readers, I’d like to offer a guaranteed (“guarantee not guaranteed”) way of protecting yourself from being unreasonably sued for patent infringement in the future:

Step 1: Obtain a business process patent on the idea of “Making Money by Suing Other Companies and/or Individuals for Patent Infringement.” (You’re thinking this won’t work because only one person can own such a patent – you’re overestimating my audience.)

Step 2: Wait until someone sues you for patent infringement, then BAM! You got ‘em for violating your patent from step 1.

Legal scholars and fans of recursion may note that many currently litigious companies may claim “prior art” on your patent since they’ve been suing people for years before you filed your application.  You’d probably settle out of court long before this comes up, but if you insist on even more devious protection…

Step 3 (advanced):  After obtaining the patent from step 1, obtain another patent called, “Defending Against the Patent From Step 1 By Claiming to Have Prior Art Based On Having Sued People in the Past.”  Aha!  Now you've got ‘em coming and going.

NB: Before following any legal advice from me, please remember that I am not a licensed attorney and may not always place your best interests above having a good laugh.